Breathe. Just breathe.

"Krista? This is Dr. Banks. I've got your test results here. Your Brain MRI shows that there are some abnormalities in your brain in an area that is indicative of Multiple Sclerosis. I can see 2-3 lesions similar to the one on your spinal cord. I'd like for you to see me first thing next week. At that time we can talk about treating your symptoms now, as well as talk about some long term treatment options available for M.S. Could you call my office first thing on Monday morning?" I held the phone to my ear and stared blankly out my office window. My eyes watered up, but I fought them back. I wouldn't let myself cry. Not here. Not now.

"That should be fine," I answered. The call ended.

I sat and stared out the window for what felt like several minutes. It's not possible, I thought to myself. This shit doesn't happen. It can't be possible, I tried to comfort myself. Pressure was building behind my eyes and I knew that I couldn't possibly face the world any longer today. I tried to gather myself and force my tears back a little further to give me time for a clean break from work. But first, I knew I needed to spread the word. My mom was probably aching to call and ask if I'd heard anything.

I couldn't talk to anyone at the moment. The tears were too close, and the setting just not right. I decided to send a text message: "Doc called. Scans showed 3 lesions in brain. Looks like MS. Don't call me yet." I sent it to my mom, my dad, Andrew's mom, and my sisters. Then sat, wiping tears that had managed to sneak past my barrier. I had to get out of there. I had to get home. I waited a few minutes, gathered my things, and took a deep breath. I didn't want Brian to see me cry. I walked by his office and said, "I'm leaving for the day, I'll see you on Monday." He looked at me with pained eyes. He knew something wasn't right. I was happy he didn't ask. He just said, "Ok. You take care of yourself and get better. I'll see you on Monday." I nodded and forced a smile and began walking down the stairs to escape. Each step brought the tears closer to the surface. I put my sunglasses on, knowing I couldn't hold back much longer. By the time I reached the last couple stairs, the tears were pouring down my face. I walked down the alley to the parking lot seeking the solace of my car. I hoped no one was in the parking lot. The lady from the café downstairs was unloading things from her car.

"Hi, how are you?" she asked cheerfully.

I once again choked back the tears that had already taken a hold of me. "I'm doing alright, thanks, how are you?" I did a terrible job of hiding the emotion in my voice. I didn't sound convincing.

"I'm doing good," she answered, "Do you work every Saturday?"

Great, I thought, she wants a full conversation. "Pretty much," I responded, "I take Tuesdays and Thursdays off for school, so I work on Saturdays to make up for it."

"Well that explains why I see you around here so much on the weekends!"

I laughed a forced laugh, "Yeah... have a good one!" I answered back, abruptly ending the conversation as I reached my car.

I turned the ignition and the tears returned with force. The drive home was a blur of sobbing and hitting the steering wheel. When I pulled into my driveway, I once again gathered myself and hoped no one would be outside. I hurried to the door of my empty house, opened the door and let myself in. I closed the door, turned and slid down the inside of the door to the floor. There was no need to hide the sobbing now. It came with force. I sat sobbing against the door for a few minutes, completely oblivious to anything and everything around me. This was my moment. My moment to be angry, devastated, and alone. I took it.

This can't be happening to me.
This shit doesn't happen.

It was surreal.

I had spent so much time convincing myself that I could not have Multiple Sclerosis. I was certain.

And now... I was wrong.